


How to Say "I Love You": A Twelve Step Guide by Dean Winchester

by JadeNight67



Series: The Guide To Living With Cas Starterpack by Dean Winchester [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide attempts, M/M, OW, Possible Character Death, but really, idk i haven't decided yet, im sorry, like im already cringing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-19
Updated: 2015-02-19
Packaged: 2018-03-13 18:59:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3392636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JadeNight67/pseuds/JadeNight67
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Its easy to forget how important simple little things are.<br/>I love you.<br/>I miss you.<br/>Stay with me.<br/>Three words. Just three. So important and powerful and wonderful. But what happens when you can't say them? When the emotions you have get locked up Inside with no escape. When the world is telling you that in order to be strong, you need to be silent, no feelings, no words. No soft spoken murmurs against his skin, no broken I love you's when you're both almost there.<br/>Words stopped to appear strong.<br/>Words killed to protect pride.<br/>So when you can't speak in words, speak in actions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How to Say "I Love You": A Twelve Step Guide by Dean Winchester

**Author's Note:**

> so ummm... I got this idea a while back, and I just kinda dropped it... oops! But this is the first chapter, and i'm sorry, I probably won't be updating as consistently as I'd like but for you all, I will try. Forewarning, I was in a feels mood when I thought of this so ah yea... Trigger warnings, brief mentions of torture and suicide attempts (nothing graphic yet, literally just mentioned in passing).

Its easy to forget how important simple little things are.  
I love you.  
I miss you.  
Stay with me.  
Three words. Just three. So important and powerful and wonderful. But what happens when you can't say them? When the emotions you have get locked up Inside with no escape. When the world is telling you that in order to be strong, you need to be silent, no feelings, no words. No soft spoken murmurs against his skin, no broken I love you's when you're both almost there.  
Words stopped to appear strong.  
Words killed to protect pride.  
So when you can't speak in words, speak in actions.  
* * * * *

"Dean what are you doing?"

It had been two years since the angels fell and Cas became a human. One and a half since Sam and dean had found Cas. And almost as long since he had moved I to the empty spaces in Dean's heart. Not that he knew that.

Dean smirked, "Just fixing the heater in your room. Since you hate the cold..."  He wasn't certain when he had started measuring time in increments of Cas. It wasn't that he'd meant to, overtime Cas had simply begun to take over his life. 

Cas ducked his head "Its really ok, I can wear a sweater. I have so many since you and Sam seem to love buying them for me."

Dean stood up, gathering the spare parts of the heating unit. "Well now you won't have to, I'm already done."

He smiled, "Then thank you Dean." Cas reached out and touched Dean's shoulder. Such a simple gesture shouldn't make Dean's heart race but he can't help it. Ever since they'd found Cas in the woods he had had shied away from any human touch. Cas' constant staring and hovering had stopped , for the first few weeks he hadn't left his room for anything other than food. The fact that Cas was touching him Dean, even in such a small way, was a huge improvement. He could still remember how they found Cas, half dead and afraid.  
  


*            *            *            *

 "I'm just saying Sammy, I can feel it."

Dean gripped the wheel of the Impala a little tighter, trying not to strangle his brother.

"I'm just saying Dean, we need to be realistic. Its been almost six months now, if Cas was alive he would have found us already! You need to consider the possibility that maybe he's-"

Dean threw his hand up, stopping Sam from finishing his thought. "No, he's alive. I know he is. Why else would Kevin have called us out here?"

Sam sighed, "Its a hunch, even Kevin, you know our prophet, said that! You can't know for sure, and if Cas is alive, why hasn't he contacted us?"

Dean glared at him, "Maybe he's hurt or can't find get to a phone. God knows he could barely function as an angel, but as a human? No way in hell!"

They had been having this argument for almost a week now, ever since Dean had dragged Sam out of bed one night chase what appeared to be their missing angel. With every passing day, Dean became more and more tense. Every false lead made his eyes a little harder, his face a little blanker. So when they heard about a blue eyed man that lurked in the woods, Den had latched on to that hope and didn't let go. While Sam was still skeptical, he couldn't shake the feeling that Cas was still alive.

 "He has to be alive." He murmured.

Sam glanced at his older brother, pity in his eyes. "Dean... you never did tell me what really happened to you two in Purgatory... did something... happen?"

Dean clenched his jaw, "What do you mean?"

"I mean you and Cas, are you two... okay?"

"Shut up Sammy."

He huffed and crossed his arms, bitch face at the ready. "You can't keep running away from this! We both know that! After you got out of there, you only drank and picked fights with anyone who got too close. But the moment Cas appeared you lit up like it was fucking Christmas. Like he was the best damn thing you'd ever seen. So don't tell me to 'Shut up Sammy'!"

Dean whipped the car off the road, slamming it into park. "Enough ok, enough! What happened down there... it doesn't matter. All that matters is getting Cas home. He doesn't need to deal with my problems, he has his own."

Sam sighed, "You're not a problem. And if I know one thing about Cas its that..." He trailed off, eyes focused on something behind Dean.

"Sam, Sammy what is it?"

He just shook his head and pointed, "Well I guess your Cas radar was working."

Dean jerked his head around to stare in the direction Sam pointed. A little ways down the road stood a man with a mess of black hair and a long tan trench coat. His heart began to pound as he hastily got out of the car and began running down the road. Months of worry and a week of near paid came to a close as Dean drew closer to the figure.

"Cas." He breathed.

Cas' head jerked up, eyes wide in disbelief. His face was thin and gaunt, dark circles under each of his blue eyes. Dean could now see that the angels once pristine suit was streaked with blood and sweat, riddled with holes and barely hanging onto the ghostly farm underneath. "Cas." He breathed again.

Cas began to back away shaking his head. "No, no its not possible. I won't do it again. You can't make me!" he screamed to the sky. Tears began to form at the corners of his eyes, terror and pain making his entire body shake. "You can't make me hurt him again, I'll kill myself for real this time!"

Dean took a hesitant step forward, arms open wide. "Hey, hey easy. Its ok. Its gonna be ok. Its me, I swear." Cas just whimpered. He wracked his brain, trying to think of something only he would know.

"Do you remember that first night in Purgatory after I found you? You were so strong, but the moment it got dark, you didn't stray any farther than my shadow. And once we finally found a place to rest, you curled up in a ball, resting your head on my chest. That night... it was, despite all the fucked up stuff, one of the best nights also I've gotten in years."

Slowly, slowly, Cas began to relax, a small flicker of hope sparking in his eyes. "Dean..." he whispered, taking a small step forward.

Dean smiled, warily inching forward, "Right here Cas, Castiel." He watched as Cas' defenses slowly began to fall away, only leaving heartbreaking fear and pain. The emotions on his face stunned Dean, even as his angel fell into his arms. He ran his hand down Cas' back, growling when he felt the scars that covered most of it.

Cas shuddered, not believing that Dean was real. After months alone, the familiar scent of whiskey, engine oil and something distinctly Dean made him feel at home.

"Hey Cas its ok, I've got you!"

Dean felt his heart shatter when he looked up at him, eyes completely blank and said, "No Dean."

"Its not ok."

* * * *

He's broken. Sam hadn't been able to say a word since he saw Cas fall into his brother's arms. He couldn't quite believe that the strong, stoic angel he had known could be so crippled. Even now, with Cas sleeping in the back seat, it was hard to believe he was alive. And then that Dean, his rough and tough "no chick-flick moments" brother, had pulled Cas into his arms, letting him cry on his shoulder. If he hadn't been there to see it, Sam would never have believed that his big brother had pressed his face into the angel's hair, stroked his back with loving care and then later nearly punched a tree in rage because of the wounds he found. He never would have believed that Dean had tucked Cas into the back seat with their Dad's old leather jacket, smiling when the angel snuggled deeper into the coat and slept. But he had. And now Sam had to rethink a lot about his brother.

Dean couldn't stop glancing in the rear-view mirror, "You think he's gonna be ok back there. The back seat of my baby really isn't that comfortable."

Sam chuckled quietly, "That's the fifth time you've asked in the last 10 minutes. He's going to be ok, we'll fix him up once we get to the bunker."

"Yea but he's sleeping. Angels don't sleep! They don't get scars and they don't cry!"

“What do you mean scars?”

His knuckles tightened on the steering wheel, “I mean all down his back, and I think on his chest too. Its like someone had carved him p with an angel blade over and over again…”

Sam tried to hide his alarm, “‘Who would do that, the other angels?”

Dean rolled his eyes, “Who wouldn't? He’s been on heaven’s most wanted list since the almost apocalypse and with Crowley running show downstairs, I doubt there are very many people willing to help him.”  
He couldn't help the despair he felt steadily growing inside him. Cas was supposed to be the strong one, damn near invincible, and yet there he was, broken and cold and so very human. He didn't know how to handle taking care of the one person he thought he couldn't break. He couldn't help feeling responsible for everything that had happened to Cas. Cas rebelling against heaven, then him going crazy and ending up in Purgatory, all of that led back to Dean. And then what with the angels having fallen, Cas had nothing.

“Sam…” Dean whispered, “You don’t think that other angels could have…done this? I mean I know they hated him, but he was just trying to help! He didn't deserve to be tortured for that!”  
In a sick way it made sense. So many people hated the angel’s very existence, blamed him for the failed apocalypse or the leviathan. And while the later had partially been his angels fault, everything he had done was out of a will to do good, by either heaven or him and Sam. Dean snorted, when had he started thinking of Cas as “his angel”. He glanced at Sam, who was gazing out the window. They had Cas back and that was all that really mattered at the moment.


End file.
